A Nurse’s Ode to Hostess

It’s a sad day in America.  Hostess is shutting it’s doors and our country’s most nostalgic treats will no longer be gracing the shelves at gas stations and grocery stores.  Although Americans love the Twinkie, it appears not enough of us were actually eating them and that Hostess employees did not enjoy making them.  In tribute to Hostess and the footprint they leave on America’s culture of unhealthy eats, one nurse puts her thoughts to humorus poetic form.

An Ode to Hostess

By Anna Kadeg, RN

The market crashed and it was bad

Jobs were lost and it was sad

But never once did I ever dream

We’d lose our donuts filled with cream

“What will we do?!” the nation said,

As they rolled into their Rascals and out of bed

“What will we grab when we’re on the go

And not one gas station has a single Hoho??!”

No Ding Dongs, no Zingers, no Fruit Pies to offer

How could a company that sells baked goods

Have no funds in their coffers?

The fallout went deeper than anyone knew

Whole grain instead of Wonderbread?  OMG, ew.

From children to old folks, no one was immune

To the ripple effect brewing already that noon

The shock of the nation was only a start

Insulin companies reported low sales

of Lantus, Glargane and Aspart

Sweat-pant companies fell next

And elastic manufactures, too

But the increase in sexts

Pleased Apple shareholders, it’s true

Pharmaceutical hotshots became hypertensive

When their earning report sans Hostess

Revealed damage extensive

Sorry Pfizer and Merck and GlaxoSmithKline

Without having to pump Twinkie’s

Turns out the American heart works just fine

You’d think this news would please an RN

But I’ll tell you flat out

It’s a frightening trend

ICU volumes are down and the heart surgeons crabby

Empty beds and idle hands prevail

When nobody’s flabby

I have reasonable dreams of a villa on a bluff

A jungle, a surf break with dolphins and stuff

The water is crystal and my skin is tan

And my butler just happens to be the Dos Equis man

I will drive a Ferrari to my yacht in the port

But this dream won’t come to fruition without your support

I beg you to please show your love and affection

For the American staple that is Hostess confections

I need the hours quite badly if I’m going to thrive

I aim to retire at thirty, or at least thirty-five

So buy Donettes and Fruit Pies and Twinkie’s galore

And when those are done, please go buy some more

If we band together we can do it I know

We can keep America’s LDL cholesterol from getting too low

You see, all the nurses and doctors and such

Will have lots of work and we’ll thank you so much